Boundaries are when you understand your needs and wants and express them to others. Boundaries are an important part of maintaining and having healthy relationships. Without them resentment, disappointment or feeling violated by others can occur.
Boundaries help you by having a clear division between your and the people you spend time with needs and feelings. Most of the time, people are not trying to violate your limits- but they may not always know what they are. This happens most often when you are either not clear of your own boundaries or if you struggle with telling others about what you want or need.
There are 6 types of boundaries.
1. Physical Boundaries: Include your comfort with touch and your physical needs to rest, eat, or drink water. It is okay to say you don’t want to be touched or you need space. An example may be “I don’t want you to touch me like that.” “or “I am tired, I would like to lay down and rest.”
2. Emotional Boundaries: Are about respecting and honoring feelings and your energy with them. This includes knowing how much emotional output you can take in from others and what you are willing to share or not share. This may sound like: “I am struggling right now and really need to talk, are you in a place you can listen?”
3. Time Boundaries: How you spend your time is very important. It is really important to set boundaries for work, home, and your social life. You may set a time boundary by stating “I can’t come to your house this weekend.” “I would love to help, but right now I am unable to. Is there another time I can support you?”
4. Sexual Boundaries: Healthy sexual boundaries include consent, respect, agreement, understanding of your preferences, and privacy. Sexual boundaries include asking for consent, discussing safe sex practices, saying no to things you do not like or can hurt you. A sexual boundary may include saying “I do not like that, let’s try something different.” “Do you want to have sex right now?” “Is this comfortable for you?”or simply “No, I do not want to engage in ___.”
5. Intellectual Boundaries: Are the respect you have for other people’s thoughts or opinions as well as your own. They can be violated when your thoughts or opinions are shut down, dismissed, or belittled. They may sound like “When we talk about this, we don’t get very far, I think it may be a good idea to stop discussing this.” “I can respect we have different opinions on this.” This boundary does not mean you have to accept all thoughts and opinions- if someone is expressing an opinion that feels harmful to you, you can let the other person know that you do not tolerate that type of talking, you can distance yourself from them, or you can no longer engage with them.
6. Material Boundaries: This includes what items you can and cannot share and how you expect others to treat the items you share with them. This may sound like “I’m sorry, but I cannot lend you money, but I would be happy to help in another way.”
While it is often difficult to set these boundaries because we do not want to offend or hurt others, it is important to do. Avoiding setting these boundaries means ultimately, we hurt ourselves. It often takes courage and strength to set boundaries. If someone choses to violate your boundaries after setting them, you would be within your rights to create further distance between yourself and that person.
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